Sex In Marriage

The following is a comment I made a short time back that I've since been meaning to expand upon,

I'll relate a story I heard several years back, it's about a woman who decided she was never going to say 'no' to her husband concerning sex. Not only that, but she was going to go out of her way to have sex every night. She realized that the reasons she was denying her husband sex were very trivial, even downright selfish, and decided to set for herself this goal. She found, after a few months, that she was benefitting from the situation as much or more than her husband. They experienced new level of intimacy and bonding. Much of the 'magic' that had been lost returned. They found themselves loving to spend time together, going out of their way to do little things to make the other happy.....basically it changed their entire marriage. Why? Not because the only thing men care about is sex, but because intimacy in a marriage is much of the glue that binds a man and woman together. It's how, even with the kids and the jobs and all the other crap that goes on during day to day life, a husband and
wife can unite and rejoin, keeping alive the sense of oneness that existed when they were newly in love.

Being on the web and privy to the comments of many men, married as well as single, it becomes readily apparent that the prospects of a sizzling sex life within the bonds of marriage (with your spouse) are not looked upon as very promising. From the sound of things, many, many married men are not remotely happy with the state of their sex lives and have grown to view their marriages as something to endure until death kindly releases them. Now, the response from wives should be one of concern and care, predictably it tends to falls more along the lines of apathy and defensiveness, all the way to mockery and scorn.

To begin this post, I need to first define some ground rules. The following have to be accepted as givens,

1. We have a right to have sex with our spouse
2. Withholding sexual intimacy is callous and cruel
3. Sex between a husband and wife is imperative to a close, loving relationship

I'm sure there are some who would argue those with me, but they are facts. Women trying to argue their way out of and circumvent these facts is a leading reason why so many husbands are not happy with their sex lives.

Let's start with number one, We have a right to have sex with our spouse . Feminism, with it's unparalleled talent for destroying everything natural, has done much to discredit this. Marriage is about union, figurative as well as literal. The literal joining of a husband and wife takes place within the marriage bed and is key to the relationship between a husband and wife.

One of the most damaging things you can do within a marriage is to hold intimacy hostage. Physical intimacy is the way a husband and wife bond together, it is an expression of their love and union. Withholding sex sends a clear message that your marriage and relationship are not above being used in vindictive games and power struggles.

Which brings us to number two, Withholding affection is callous and cruel. Saying "No" to your spouse when they come to you seeking intimacy is rejection, plain and simple. There's no point sugar-coating it, let's call it what it is. Being rejected by the one you love is never an easy thing to take, sexual rejection is generally one of the worst types. Anyone who's familiar with rejection can tell you that a person can only take so much.

I've always remembered a line from a movie, although I've long since forgotten the film itself. The line is from a husband to his wife and he says, "I don't want to spend the rest of my life hoping to get lucky with my own wife". That line really had an impact on me. No one should have to be in a place of having to beg sexual favors from their spouse....but they are, all the time. Women hold sex over men's heads like they would a treat over the head of their dog. Jump, sit, stay....do everything I say and maybe you'll get your treat.....and then they wonder why their husbands are angry and bitter....they wonder why they don't show the same degree affection and care that they once did.

Moving on to number three, Sex between a husband and wife is imperative for a close, loving relationship. Notice please the word, "imperative". There's a reason I didn't say helpful, beneficial or a good idea. A healthy sex life is an absolutely essential element to a happy marriage. Women think they should be able to sexually neglect their husbands without any corresponding impact upon their marriages. It does not work that way, and, as long as we're talking about things that 'don't work', neither does just showing up. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, but in case there's any confusion....sex is a two way streak. There's a reason there are two people involved. Far too many women think their sole contribution to the act of sex is giving in and being present. You might get away with that for a while, but it's going to get old very quickly.

The leading factor in a healthy sex life, as well as a healthy marriage, is selflessness. Giving of oneself completely, without reservation and with love is what sex between a husband and wife is supposed to be...but there lies the conundrum. Giving with no thought of self is less likely in today's marriage than 'till death do us part'. Feminism, in another grand destructive gesture, has taught women that it's "all about them" thus making acts of selflessness rare indeed.

If you stop to take the time and really listen to what men are saying, it's clear that when it comes to sex in marriage, women are, to put it lightly, dropping the ball. Women ask and ask, 'what do men want', they invest millions in magazines, and advice seminars all in search of 'what men want'. My observation is that most women don't really care what men want, because when they're told what men want....when they're told what will really make a difference, what will really make their significant others happy, they either choose to ignore, ridicule or dispute it.

So, while I write these things, with the grand hope that women will read them, follow them (and I guarantee they do work), I think a much more likely scenario is that they'll roll their eyes, think things like, "apparently Kim's never been married, tried to work a job all while caring for her kids" (Married 15 years, 3 kids, thank you very much). I realize that most women don't really want answers, unless those answers are a validation of their actions. They just want what they've grown to expect under feminism....validation and to be told that they are right...which is why most marriages today don't stand a chance.